It would seem as if I have found my lifes rutt; “Already?” I say. I got out of high school and straight away I had gotten lucky with my job as I became a longshoremen. It is a superb job, no questions about that, but things have seemingly plateaued already. I wake up, fight traffic, work, drive home, sleep, and repeat. It is fairly common up until my days off. When most people are hanging out with friends or doing whatever it is they love, I am at home, sleeping in for far too long or not really doing anything unique or productive to myself. You may say “Why not before/after work hang out with friends?”… I typically work from 4:30 pm til 1:00 am… I wake about  about 1:15 pm so I can get to my works dispatch on time, then obviously head to work itself. Waking up early means I am tired and most of my friends are at school or work, whilst after work is limited because most people are too tired to do anything at that time. It is a little difficult. On top of that, I always want a day off, yet never seem to make the most of them in any way better then if I had just gone to work instead.

 Is this where my life is going to stay for a while? I mean sure, I have goals, but attaining them seems near impossible. I have few hobbies which can occupy me to long and what I would call the source of my problem, a girlfriend; Well, I should say “My lack of a girlfriend”. I am yet to determine whether this desire for a relationship is what makes my life feel empty or not… perhaps I need a larger dose of my meds and nothing is the problem: I haven’t a clue but it has felt like this a fair while now.

My favorite times are the ones which stray from the norm of a typical ‘goody two shoes’. I don’t call myself a rebel, but I have more open morals in some ways especially compared to what my parents would like me to be. I am Atheist, and my parents are Christian. I don’t mind going to a club and getting smashed now and then: They do. I don’t mind if I meet a random girl at that club and start making out with them: My parents do, and I don’t mind having sex before marriage, hell, even before things are really serious (I am a guy for f*** sake), my parents probably would mind though.

I have to hide from them when I hang out with a girl because I feel they will simply assume I am that person I play myself off to be when really… I just want to live as a teen while I am one.

Yet I still feel a small urge to make them happy with what I do, and for some reason… I choose to do that by hiding what I do most the time…. man this is weird.

 

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I know I am meant for, and missing something.

Ideas? Thoughts? Please…

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To those of you who have stood by my side, and have listened to my problems as I rattled on, or those of you who came to me with help for your own problems. I thank you more then you know.

Friendship is something I cherish, and you all know who you are so is not to embarrass you. I thank you all for being there for me when I have been at my worst, and for letting me do the same for you.